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MY GENERATION IS GREAT AT MAKING ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES.
I’m sure thats not an entirely new concept to comprehend…but I’ll lead with that for my dissection of the Louie Season finale.
But thats what art is supposed to make you do, right? Make you think about yourself? So, maybe, if someone asks you what you thought of the Louie Season 3 finale, youre gonna have a tendency to make it about yourself somehow, right? Ok, we get it and I forgive you.
So forgive me as I begin to make it about myself.
I, like Pamela, am a woman who uses her humor and intelligence as defense mechanisms. Dressing in dark clothes, using humor to emasculate men and pointing out the social injustices of being a woman are things I share in common with her character. They keep me from looking or feeling vulnerable. They are part of a psyche I’ve built up that helps me live the life I think I want. But keeping up these defense mechanisms can put you in some precarious situations. You get lost in a world of wanting something so badly but have no idea how to properly function to get it. This can involve blurring lines with people you want to get close with.
It left Louie craving the imperfect yet romantic “constant state of agitation” that he confessed to her at the flea market. It leaves both of them in weird parameters of intimacy; Pamela constantly makes jabs at Louie and his annoying crush on her, yet suggests taking a bath with him very nonchalantly; She humorously minimizes his other romantic efforts, but draws him into scenarios where he still needs her. It’s intimacy in her own way and her way only even when it comes down to taking a picture of her underwear and texting it to Louie, when he’s standing 4 feet away from her in the moment. For Pamela and I, they are all part of the warped social contracts we establish with others that, in our minds, keep us safe from being hurt.
It’s easy for some to make generalizations and interpret how the scene in Pamela part 1 could be considered rapey, but I really don’t see it as that. A lot of women see it as that because that’s similar to what they’ve experienced, sadly. But what I see is a scene between a man who trusts a woman and a woman who doesn’t trust herself.
Pamela answers Louie’s phone calls, she offers to watch his daughters and agrees to go out with him because she trusts him. But she won’t except his doting or comply in kissing him because she obviously has problems with what that means. Whether it means she’s settling for less than what she thinks she deserves or if it makes her look like less of a tough girl, she doesn’t trust how that will make her feel.
Saying that Louie teaches us “you get the girl by persistence and aggression which she will eventually succumb to” is bogus and misogynistic. A woman has to succumb to herself and be honest with what she wants. And that involves breaking down her defenses. Which is what I think she did in the finale. By the end of the episode does she look like a woman who wants to get away from a predator like Louie? No. She’s there in bed with him, perhaps wrestling with her defense mechanisms on the choice she made by doing so, but then disregards it and makes breakfast with his daughters. She trusts him. It’s trusting herself thats the hard part.
SO BRINGING IT BACK TO ME …(clears throat/deep breath)… I’m currently trying to trust myself with someone whom I knowingly manipulated into being with me, via a defense mechanism. He, like Louie, continues to put himself out there and offer his trust to me, and wait for me to return it in whatever way I’m capable of. And maybe that’s even too much of a romantic notion and maybe not the reality, but hey, thats how I feel AND I’M MAKING IT ABOUT ME DAMMIT. (also my therapist told me its important for me to do more FEELING instead of thinking, so again, thats how I FEEL, via permission from Molly Fasslr L.M.F.T.)
This isn’t to say that Pamela gets over her shit and her and Louie live happily ever after. For all we know, they could continue to live a terrible, abusive defense-fueled relationship with each other for years, causing more pain on themselves and others around them! There’s endless possibilities as to how this episode is gonna make you feel. But it reminded me to let my guard down and trust myself more, especially when you have people around you who trust you.
And that’s me, making it about me.
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#yesallwomen I did a standup show at isla vista UCSB one week to the day before the guy shot up the town. There was shock and the guy’s crazy “reasoning” came out and women EVERYWHERE just started pointing out the obvious things that women live with that men don’t and haven’t even thought about….
My name is Lola and I am finally a feminist.
I grew up as a member of the Mormon faith, an organization I believe to be deeply rooted in misogyny, and the only girl in a family with three boys. In church, I learned that deference to males was the natural order of things; men decided the fate of…
My friend Lola is super cool!
The other day, a little late to the party, I tweeted my experience with male entitlement as a part of the larger #YesAllWomen conversation. The tweet goes, “Too scared to walk home at night, only to have a taxi driver threaten to lock me in if I didn’t give him my phone number. #YesAllWomen”
Within minutes I had a few @replies from men who were clearly stalking the hashtag to intentionally mock, provoke, and silence the women speaking out. A man by the twitter handle @sawcasm (you know, like “sarcasm” except with a speech impediment, which is actually pretty cute on its own!), tweeted me asking why I didn’t just give the cab driver a fake number. One of his friends responded, saying I was “too dumb” to think of such a brilliant evasive tactic. And promptly, a third good friend of this person responded directly to me “let him tear your ass open for a free ride…?” which, you know, god, even though I was in fact broke as hell, I didn’t even think about as an option at the time!
I’m hesitant to write something of this nature, but I can’t get my mind off of what’s happened recently in the wake of the Santa Barbara tragedy. #YesAllWomen is incredibly awe inspiring. I know a lot of people don’t buy sexism and (white) male privilege as legitimate reasons for why that guy did what he did. The mental illness card is being played once again, and while it is definitely true that this young man was deranged at the end of it, it didn’t come out of nowhere. There was a seed planted in his brain early on that grew into something truly ugly and repugnant. But really, as horrid as the situation is in Santa Barbara, and whether or not you agree with this line of thinking, it has kick started one of the most transformative social conversations I’ve ever seen. Reading those tweets and posts has radically changed the way I think about women and myself. That’s embarrassing to admit this late in the game, but it’s sadly true. I typically use the internet only for jokes, but this is really interesting and challenging and things of this nature should be addressed. I am not trying to garner praise or be congratulated. Because I shouldn’t be. Looking back on my life, even within the past year, I have done some things and said things that fill me with deep regret and shame. I can jump back to these events and recognize the “logic” in my head at the time: I deserve this person/their love/their sex. Whether it was clouded judgment by drugs/alcohol, or me telling myself, “It’s college, you’re supposed to be hooking up with girls” or just a basic feeling of entitlement and being accustomed to getting what I want, when I seriously consider what I did and the ramifications of said actions it is harrowing to know and admit that I was capable of creating such reckless chaos and drama. Knowing I have been a black mark on the lives of some of the most intelligent, strong and beautiful women I’ve ever met is a huge personal letdown. And I’m eternally grateful for those that have forgiven me or allowed me back in their lives. And I’m so thankful for the women I know today who have so bravely and vulnerably shared their stories. It’s been nothing but moving and educational. Fellas, I understand the initial knee jerk reaction to defend yourself. But it’s truly distracting and missing the point. We have been raised to be the most important person in our lives. At least I was, I can’t speak for everyone. But when you make it about you and how you’re a good guy, you’re being misled by factors that are most likely subconscious and beyond your control. And in reality, you don’t need to defend yourself to make this about you. It IS about you! Take a hard look in the mirror. I am nearly positive that every man can look back and find at least one instance where you’ve denigrated a woman or taken advantage of a situation that is just plain wrong. I’m not saying you have to dwell on it. I’m not saying you’re a monster. People make mistakes, sometimes grave ones. But what does push you in that direction is ignoring a huge problem that plays out on an interpersonal and societal level every single damn day. I’m really not trying to garner anything from this, I swear. I just hope that if any other dudes out there who maybe have bristled at this line of conversation up until this point are open enough to searching within themselves, it can end up making a difference. Even if just one person starts to think differently, that’s huge in my book. And we don’t have to forgo our sexuality as men or whatever, but we have to earn it. We have to. Because we don’t deserve it for no reason. So #YesAllWomen. And #YesAllMen, because a lot of this will come down to us (as it should) and if we talk to each other, listen to women and each other, then I think we can definitely begin to learn, change and grow. Onwards and upwards, everybody.
thee oh sees - dead energy
- That one show with the kings and stuff.Dad:You should put that hawk thing on your resume.Me:Why?Dad:Because, what if, one day you're on set and they need someone who has handled a hawk before and, shit, you're the only one who has. BAM. You're the next star of KING OF THRONES.... ...
- Shooting Women
#yesallwomen I did a standup show at isla vista UCSB one week to the day before the guy shot up the town. There was shock and the...