Last time was a rousing success, so here we go again. Enjoy!

Instragram announced that come January 16th, it will have the right to sell photos of you without your consent. The company assured its users that a vast majority of them would not be affected whatsoever by this new policy. That’s because a vast majority of Instragram users are ugly.

“The Hollywood Hacker” who leaked nude photos of Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and others to the Internet will face ten years in prison. Wow, I know that America’s court system has some problems, but it’s just so heartbreaking to see a guy go to jail who has done absolutely nothing wrong.

“The Hollywood Hacker” was forced to pay $76,000 to Christina Aguilera after leaking nude photos of her to the Internet. Aguilera commented, “There is no compensation that can restore the feeling one has from such a large invasion of privacy.” There is also no compensation that can restore the feeling one has from listening to Christina Aguilera.

In Florida, Barry Manilow canceled one of his concerts in light of the shooting in Connecticut. So, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining.

In a recent study, the largest religion in the world turned out to be Christianity. Which makes sense, because the largest people in the world are Christians.

After their NASA mission came to an end, twin robotic probes crashed into the moon’s surface. The moon was fine with this, because the twin robots were really hot.

An NBC crew was released from their Syrian kidnappers today. When asked why they abducted the NBC employees, the kidnappers said, “Have you seen their fall schedule? Go On? Really?” [Bonus points if delivered like Matthew Perry.]

Speaker of the House John Boehner proposed a “Plan B” to Democrats in an effort to avoid the fiscal cliff. If Boehner’s “Plan B” doesn’t work, it will be the first time we see a Republican push for abortion.

In response to the shooting in Connecticut, Texas Governor Rick Perry said, “You should be able to carry your handgun anywhere in this state.” In response to this, the rest of America said, “Texas should secede.”